TWO WORKS
BY PASHA
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EIGHT FAILED WORLD RECORDS
Best Night of Life
Jacqueline S. Nicholby, of Brisbane, Australia, attempted in the summer of 1997 to achieve the record of "the greatest night of [her] life" after a wild evening of debauchery in Amsterdam's Red Light District. Nicholby, 21 at the time, was in the midst of a whirlwind backpacker's tour of Western Europe, and decreed the sixteen hours she spent in Amsterdam to be "totally life-changing" and that the city was "the best [expletive] place I've been yet". While officials were intrigued by the university student's assertions, little progress was reached with Nicholby, who the following morning refused to be roused from her hostel bunkbed.
Most houses caroled
In December of 1989, a group of Conception Bay, Newfoundland residents attempted to carol their way across the maritime provinces of Canada in twenty-eight days. This ambitious feat would have entailed singing at over 600, 000 doorsteps, but the project was abandoned when high school band conductor and world music enthusiast Rory Jamieson failed to agree with the rest of the group on a musical repertoire. "They wanted stuff like 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful'," lamented Jamieson. "Whereas I thought we could push the envelope a little, maybe try some Shona folksongs or a raga." Mrs. June McIvor, a member of the disbanded group, and mother of one of Jamieson's students, said of the teacher: "That guy's got his head up his arse - he's got my Dermot on the Chinese banjo, or some godforsaken thing."
Biggest hand
Thirty-six year-old Anupa Mhukerjee, of Jaipur, India, submitted a pencil tracing of her hand on March 9, 1972, assuming it to be the world's largest. The hand, admittedly enormous, measured over twenty-one inches from the base of the palm to the tip of the index finger. Unfortunately, the claimant was at the time suffering from severe elephantitis, and by the time judges were able to make the trip to India to confirm the hand's size, its owner had been treated with penicillin, and the hand had shrunk down to, while still disproportionate to her 5'3" frame, a modest 11 inches, approximately the same hand-size of the average professional basketball player.
Greatest Record Ever
Jean-Pierre Renaud, of Marseilles, France, repeatedly made the assertion throughout 1968 that the Velvet Underground's "White Light/White Heat" was the "greatest record ever made". The Committee instantly had its interest piqued, and began earnestly listening to the album. The genius of Lou Reed and company had just begun to take hold in early 1969, at which point Renaud, upon first listening, declared the band's new self-titled album to be even superior to its predecessor. Officials became confused, and trust for Renaud and his opinions began to wane. Then, when "Loaded" was released the following year, and once again Renaud changed his mind, citing "Oh Sweet Nuthin'" as "the song that will change music forever", all privileges for the over-zealous Frenchman reporting another World Record were forever revoked.
Longest punt (American Football)
During overtime of the state semi-final, sixteen year-old Jared Schank of Steamboat Springs, Colorado, attempted June 2, 2000 to break Randall Cunningham's record of a 98-yard punt, much to the chagrin of his coach, Mr. Earl Whittaker. The punt went out of bounds at the 32-yard line, turning possession over to the Grover Cleveland Wildcats, who scored on the ensuing play, advancing them past Jared's Central Golden Bears, and on to the state final. Mr. Whittaker was later heard to remark in the locker room that Jared had "a head full of [expletive] rocks and kicks like an [expletive] woman". Jared's mother Linda, meanwhile, had this to say: "Oh, it's only football. Jared's got his SAT's to think about."
Biggest Fish
Portland, Oregon resident Theodore Ellis, who allegedly caught "the biggest fish you ever saw in your life" on August 2, 1981, had his claim dismissed for lack of proof. Officials stated in their explanatory letter: "While no one doubts that the fish you caught was in all likelihood quite impressive, it is difficult for us to award you a World Record based on vague hand gestures that seem to increase in size each time you tell the story". Ellis, who was also reputed to have had "a few too many" on the day of the catch by companion Burt Langston, continues to this day to assert he has been "gypped" by the committee.
Loudest G-chord
Mitchell David Higgins, 24, of Bradford, England, was convinced the G-chord he strummed on his imitation Telecaster on September 14, 1993 to be the loudest in history. His mother, Eunice, quick to defend her son's claim, commented: "The whole house shook. I told him he'd have to turn it down. Mr. Humphries over the road can be a right sod when it comes to loud music". Officials later clarified that while Mitchell's Peavey amplifier was indeed "cranked" to ten, the maximum decibel level could only have rivaled that of a mid-sized lawnmower engine. Mitchell, when questioned about the judgment, offered only a curt "Bollocks to you, then," in reply.
Biggest Jerk in the World
While on exchange in Perth, Australia nine year-old Conchita Angela Dias-Perez of Oaxaca, Mexico, proclaimed on May 7, 1984 classmate Gord Jenkins to be "the biggest jerk in the world". Teacher Justine Roberts later verified the remark to officials. Jenkins, who had allegedly been stealing all the sequins off Dias-Perez's rendering of a "magical pony", was forced to undergo a battery of tests to verify the claim. Weeks later, officials released the following statement: "Gordon Michael Jenkins is indeed a Jerk of the highest order. His actions are generally reprehensible and he is a menace to his classmates. However, we are at this time unable to justify Miss Dias-Perez's allegations of Mr. Jenkins' world supremacy as Number One Jerk." Funding for further research fell through, and to this day the issue remains unresolved.
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HORACE'S "ODE TO PYRRHA", AS WRITTEN BY A SPURNED EIGHTH GRAD LOVER (CIRCA 1990)
Pyrrha,
Well even though you're totally denying it I know you like someone. I'm not going to say who but I totally know who it is because he wears Drakkar and after you guys frenched (everyone knows) behind the music portable Thursday morning recess you reeked like Drakkar in Language Arts. Plus don't think everyone doesn't notice you got a perm again.
I just want to say I don't even care because he's going to figure out what a B-I-T-C-H you are and dump you. Or maybe you'll go to your cottage and cheat on him. Remember? Maybe he'll buy you a $60 L.A. Gear sweatshirt for your birthday and you'll "forget" to say thank-you. By the way the mix tape you made me for Valentine's sucks - my mom is the only person I know who thinks George Michael is still cool.
I feel sorry for both of you. Mostly him because I know all about the games you play. Well I don't want to talk behind anyone's backs such as some people whose names I don't want to mention. But I want you to know I am totally over you and your f'ed up games. Anyway, I am going to Pizza Hut now with my real friends who respect me - not including you!
Good-bye, bitch of the world.
PS: Everyone thinks your Science Project on tornadoes was gay and that you are a big time ho, including your so-called best friend Katrina D.