MIKE SCHILLER

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THE KEY

I still have that key you engraved for me
Despite the fact that for eight years I've moved
forward with my life, suppressing all memory
of everything we went through
Convincing myself I hated you to protect myself
from the pain I still felt over what happened in L.A.
Despite the fact that the last time you showed up
I coldly and harshly closed myself off to you
Despite the fact that I wanted so deeply to believe
That everything we shared was an illusion
Because of course, that was easier than allowing myself
to be vulnerable again
No matter how thoroughly I tried to convince myself
It was never real, it was never true,
that you were never real, that you were never true
Subconsciously I always knew the truth
That I could never stop feeling the way I felt for you
That all that hurt and pain I felt was not a newfound clarity
but the opposite- confusion as to how such a deep love
could unfold in such a complex way
That so many things could keep going wrong
When the feelings I had for you were pure
I was too scared of getting hurt again
I was scared to let myself trust you
Ultimately, though,
What this says is that I was unable to trust myself
Because every fiber of my being wanted nothing more
Than to be with you.
That night I left you alone,
The night you were so upset about
I was running away from you because
I knew, if I had stayed,
I would have offered you my heart and soul
I was still in love with you
But I was afraid that if I gave in to those feelings
I'd only end up feeling the way I felt that day when
You left me, standing, staring,
I told myself I could never trust you again
So I outwardly distanced myself from you
Internally, however, only now have I been realizing
There's a reason I never let go of that key
My heart has never been locked from you
I still have that key so that my heart is ready
To someday be! unlocked again, by you.