RICHARD LASKOWSKI

Richard Laskowski is the author of "Regionrat" His novel was published by Six Gallery Press in 2003. A film project has been based on the book and is currently in development by Amity Pictures of Los Angeles. He is currently finishing up three new novels: “Mass Hella,” “Entry-Level Hollywood” and “Casually Cancerous.” His work has been seen in Fifteen Project, The Colony, Midnight Mind, Apparent Depth, The Muse Apprentice Guild, Job Stories and AARGH!

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CASUALLY CANCEROUS

INT. LAURA'S OLD HOUSE ON HOLMAN AVE.

6-years ago is about when people started talking to Aura about her mother's case of Cancer.

"Helen just came down with Cancer," they'd say to each other. No whispering about it either, more like just another coupla old ladies talking about recipes.

"Oh no kidding? That's funny `cause my Uncle Eddie caught Cancer just last Tuesday morning. "Must be going around or something."

INT. FLIPSIDE BARBER SHOP - EAST CHICAGO

The Cancer itself isn't all that unusual when you grow up in NW Indiana. Here people catch onto Cancer like punchlines to Polish jokes. Headline news around here is when you're over 60-years old and you don't have Cancer. That deserves props enough to where, from time to time, one of the old dudes cemented into benches at the Flipside Barber Shop will brag, "Hey just so you fellers know: I actually don't have Cancer. But then again it's only Wednesday. Maybe come Monday you'll be asking me who let the dogs out."

EXT. BROADWAY AVE. - GARY

There's more people around here who know somebody who's died from Cancer than you'll find people who've actually heard of Jesus Christ. That Cancer shit tumbleweeds these streets all night long.

INT. BURNS FUNERAL HOME - PORTAGE

We got all the popular flavors: Prostate Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, Leukemia, Pancreatic Cancer, Lung Cancer, Melanoma, Breast Cancer and Lung Cancer. Come and get it! In The Region, pretty much everybody gets hit with some Cancer sooner or later. You grow up expecting it to happen, like you're on some kind of public list or something.

It becomes something to bullshit about at somebody's wake. Different brands of the disease are commonly compared-war stories about chemotherapy are swapped baseball card-style. "Hey I got Colon Cancer. What about you?"

"Skin Cancer." With a smile, like you happen to be mentioning that your son or daughter is a Dentist these days. "Colon Cancer, huh? That must be tough. I heard on 60-Minutes that even fish get Colon Cancer."

"Yeah, I guess it's pretty common."

"How's it treating you?"

"Not bad. In fact, my asshole doesn't even work at all anymore. Farts come out with about as much bass as some midget taking a deep breath. Dr. Witkowski says I'm just gonna have to walk around with this bucket between my legs for the duration, which they think is 3 to 6 months … if I'm lucky."

"Well … sorry to hear that. Hey by the way: say 'hello' to Dr. Witkowski for me. My ex-wife's Aunt Beverly had him for her Cancer. Breast Cancer," with raised eyebrows. "Dr. Witkowski makes the best Cottage Cheese Peirogies. It was the dish he brought to the potluck after Aunt Beverly's cremation. Make sure you remind him for when it comes your turn."