the muse apprentice guild
--expanding the canon into the 21st century




TWO WORKS
BY REBECCA MIMNALL

LOSS OF A FRIEND

You don't deserve the tears I've cried.
But you have them.

You don't deserve this place in my heart.
But it's yours.

I'm much to romantic, to sentimental
And maybe I led you on.
I'm sorry.

You're a friend.
A friend I value.
But nothing more.

And now you're angry.
And not speaking with me.
Because I couldn't tell you how I feel.

You made me cry,
Not hard to do, I admit.
But you're the first.

I should hate you for this.
I should curse your name.
But I can't.

I should've stopped this from the first.
I shouldn't have let it happen.
But I did.

I wished, foolishly, that there was something there.
That I could feel for you what you felt for me.
But I can't and I never will.

And now I've messed this up.
It will never be the same.
I'm sorry.

I don't have a friend to run to anymore.
I don't have a person to share my life with.
My loss,true, but also yours.

Maybe it's for the best,
I guess we'll never know.
Is this what growing up means?

You've hurt me.
Deeply.
But I still love you.

Does that make me pathetic?
Or desperate?
Or just a girl.

I"m too emotional.
And much to romantic
To even now hope that things can change.

The ending of another chapter.
One I've written badly.
Again, I'm sorry.

But I wonder, do you stay awake at night?
Gazing helplessly at the clock, 3am,4am.
As the hours pass.
Do you hope for the sanctuary of sleep?
Only to have it creully stand out of your reach.

Are you hurting to?
If you aren't well you should be.
That's unfair.

But that's life.
Have you already forgotten?
Or does it eat away at you too?

It tears off pieces of me
And I can't stop it.
Why?

This might be the last time I trust.
I trusted you.
You shattered me.

It was a joke once,
With friends.
But we aren't laughing anymore.

I hate this.
Where did the carefree days go?
Where is my youth?

It's gone.
Along with everything else.
Nothing can replace it.

I'm haunted by memories.
Of you, of me, of us.
There was an us once.
Do you remember?

I do.
Everyday.
Pathetic, but it's true.

They're fond memories,
But they hurt.
More than they should.

I can't share them with you anymore.
We can't laugh or cry with them.
I regret not doing more laughing.

Life goes on.
But it won't be the same.
Nothing will be the same again.

I'm sorry.

================

UNTITLED

There is no strength left for this fight.
Only darkness, never light.
There is no hope, no love, no gain.
All I know is pain.

I'm struggling through this all alone,
Because no one understands.
My heart is lost and can't find home,
And no one even cares.

My past is sad,
My future; bleak.
It needs to end
I feel so weak.

I'm not strong enough to deal
Which only increases the hurt.
I'm not strong enough to heal;
Which makes the healing worse.

There's no one to walk me through it.
No one to hold my hand.
There's nothing left but me alone,
Cause no one understands.

The disease, the depression, the ugly, scary thoughts.
The desperate need to leave all this, by death, by drugs, by shots.

I need something, someone,to soothe the pain inside;
I need something, someone, to make me feel alive.

How scary is that? To need so much.
Like a child I'd jump in.
And probably get more messed up
commit many more sins.

I'm not even strong enough to take my own life.
No, I take a bunch of pills and pray they kill me in the night.

How stupid to want to die, how incredibly weak.
I cannot truly help it, it is relief I seek.

They body of me, the mind, says leave this world behind.
The heart of me, the soul, says I'm out of my mind.
But mind over matter and brains over heart
This conflict, live or die,
It's tearing me apart.

================

LIFE MOMENT

She puts up with so much,
All the things he does to her,
She's tired of crying,
And she's tired of being hurt.
But there must be something about him,
Something only she can see,
Cause everyone tells her to walk away
But she stands by him, faithfully.

She lays awake at night,
As his lies run through her mind.
She wonders what it is
That he's hid from her this time.
She asks herself why she does it,
Why she puts up with what all he does.
All the lies he's told,
They hurt her soul,
But she just can't leave him behind.

And it's a sad moment, when love begins to hurt.
When she questions everything she's done and there's no where left to turn
And it's a hard moment, when there's nothing else to do,
But turn around and walk away and let her heart break into two.
And it's a sad moment, as she's forced to grow once more,
Be stronger on her own two feet and close that door.
And it's a life moment, when she see's that it is right,
She knows she has to walk away and leave this love behind.