the muse apprentice guild
--expanding the canon into the 21st century




FIVE WORKS
BY F.J. GOULDNER

CLAUSTROPHOBIA

The U.S. was finally nuked. During the attack, the president was in an elevator. Due to the powerful blast all electricity was cut off, and the elevator rested in suspended animation for several weeks.
The press eventually released a formal statement that the president had survived.

Not until several years later was it discovered that there were two other survivors of the nuclear blast in the elevator with the president of the United States. The president apparently murdered the other two people and then cannibalized them in order to survive.

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MIDDLE CLASS BLUES

Enough about the story where the bluesman goes down to the crossroads and makes a deal with the devil in order to play better guitar and become famous.
What about all those young fathers who sold their souls to Satan in order to get their families out of poverty?
Why doesn't anyone ever tell that story?

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BERSERK

News Bulletin:
An apparently distraught middle-aged man walked into Northfield Savings & Loan today and opened fire with a semi-automatic rifle.
Apparently, only the week before the man was turned down for a mortgage loan.
There were no survivors.

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ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

She was constantly bitching at him. Day in and day out, she always had something derogatory to say. And it was usually in front of his friends.
One day, he had had enough. The camel's back had been broken. He gently strangled her to death and deposited her in one of the large, green dumpsters in the trash disposal area underneath their apartment building. Miraculously she was never found.
Soon after the incident he fell in love with a wonderful woman, who later bore him two healthy children.
On the day of their marriage she asked him timidly about his past loves. This surprised him, for she had never done so during all of their courtship.
"All trash compared to you darling," he replied. She smiled with pride and never asked him another question concerning his past.

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JOKER

He thought he was a big joker. He took great pleasure in menacing young women who appeared to be all- alone.
Obscene phone calls in the middle of the night, successive drive-bys, and threats to come over and say more than just hello. He was demented but he didn't realize it. His mind was too small to make the deduction.
One fine day, he decided to begin a little campaign of terror on a new neighbor. She was alone with a three-year-old daughter, and she seemed an easy target. Unlike all the others he became sexually attracted to his latest victim. He had to have her.

When he finally couldn't wait any longer, he decided to break into her house one night.
Without so much as a thought of her sleeping daughter, he broke down his victim's door with relative ease.
What he didn't know was that she had anticipated such a climax and she had asked her best friend's husband to stay with her in case something happened.
The first thing Joker saw when he stepped over the broken threshold was a very large and seemingly angry young man.