the muse apprentice guild
--expanding the canon into the 21st century




15 WORKS
BY eXistentialista

a man with soul so dead
within he never burned
for no minstrel can capture
his undying shame
proud he is
his wealth and titles abound
though with titles and power
a helpless wretch, egocentric
concentrating on himself
he lives, yet forsaking
and will one day go down
becoming dust
unkept, unhonored, and unsung

================

pain comes broken
though so real
forgeting it? too hard...
tears fall
no one can help
your life filled with lies
and no one to get me
out of your world
a lake of tears
my dreams now all sold
everything is an illusion
questions with no answers
no one cares
its my life
i know
i swear, that it's only you
this is how you make me feel

================

i sit
deep in thought
thousands of thoughts
amazing
so many thoughts at once and still function
i sit
what to do next?
to do tomorrow?
fulfill me
what will bring me to the next hour?
i sit
where am i?
where have i been?
am i going?
where have my dreams gone?
i sit
lost
lost in a world
lost in a world of shit
lost in a world of shit and no boat
i sit
or do i sink?
i sit

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nothing in sight
like a blind mad at a stove
only relying on scent
to feel my way
lost in a windfall
panic consumes me
from where?
how the fuck do i know???
medical science says my brain
agony is my friend
pain is my reminder
that i will once again wake
with thoughts of deep sorrow
from where it came
i know not where
when it is your whole life
you dare not question
here I take you
to a journey
into a soul of deep cries
i never asked for this
where are my answers?
who will reply?
find myself in deep
each and every day
into my solitude
spirit gone
that i did once display
was it just fantasy?
or was it just a play?
i am lost
never to be found
live as a recluse
no one come near
i interrupt, ramble on
but, in between the lines
some one will see
and surround my being
break out, break away
and live some meaning
how did I get to this place?
the curtains really suck
easy is a thread broken
like a hair plucked from my head
to go on
fight for WHAT?
to live life with more dread?
how did i get here?
waiter? check, please...

================

bite the bit
yesterday i drove out of town
with a cup of cold java between my knees
crossing yellow lines
i resented being bridled
passing baptist buses praying for me
roadside graveyards
clocking names for god to pull over
blurring fields begged my eyes
i have nothing left to give
corners run over in the driveway
windows rolled tight
loud sound stoping
riding the highway hills like a mad bronc
right hand strapped to the steering wheel
to be thrown off my saddle
in an arena of gaping dust filled mouths
broken spirit and blood
bite the bit

================

ungodly stagnant water
the earth's drink
poured down a silent throat
in the smell of summer's heat
dripping, wilted
sweat like a steam iron
over me
pressing each vein
into a disgusting film
blurred clarity
opaque
channeled thought
inside a soaked pocket
stitched within unwelcomed weeds
deteriorating dimension
possessed by the razor
laden with madness
rusted red, settling
to the bottom

================

lies assist you
in finding your truth
scaling the mountain
lead you to distant lover
a talisman in your pocket
rivers of fish
sleeping at your fingertips
look beyond
the unsteadiness of the bridge
taste the sunshine
napping on your shoulders
soak your skin
in muddy waters beneath you
bathe in the bellowing fire
of my moaning
dance across
strawberry coals of freedom
step lightly
over heartbreaks
and broken watches
whisper to the meadow
as you journey
tempt your fate
with laughter
and rose scented water
empty your enemies
into a foaming ocean
wash their salt off your hands
with rain and honey
you will find your soul there
calmly waiting

================

is it possible?
who will undertake
this fiercesome task?
as days pile into years
deferring your own desires and dreams
to give your best
to give your all
though none may notice so it seems
who can keep reaching into the void
where walls are raised to keep you out?
to still extend
as a heart shuts tight
with its own dreadful silent shout
mundane drudgery
through most days
many a year
what great faith
must be held
for this champion to persevere
with thanks rarely given
rewards so few and scarce between
and results too far away
to be grasped, too distant
who has eyes to find
treasure hidden in plainest clothes
look at the barren earth
see life where dry dust blows?
somehow holding on
to that wordless sense
that tears and prayers
and fingers dug deep
is where to find the greenest grass...

=================

trailing off into the deep abyss
your flesh
letting my eyes wander over you
it costs me nothing
and does no harm
the way you smell
how you taste between my lips
that costs me
i have paid over and over again
allowing my tongue to glide over your chest
while my hands are being so deceitful
to what i know is "right"
wanting you so badly now
like a tidal wave brimming over
then crashing down on my brain
all my "rewiring" done in my mind
means nothing when i get another taste of you
you make me drunk on your kiss
you lay there and look at me longingly
pleading with me to touch you
giving in means giving up
giving up means touching you
where does the fault lie in this?
(if at all)
is it wrong to lust after you so much?
firm in knowing i am the only person
to touch you in such a way?
what a sweet, sweet thought

=================


stop...please...
too close...too close...
i can't...
 
...don't want to get away
closed doors
ending, change
open wounds
boundaries fall, reforged
sharp
it burns
slicing deep
slamming the door to feeling
how can i transform?
no way out
no way through
no way to express
how i feel...why i feel...what do i feel...
do i feel?
pain...pain...pain...
fenced in
boxed thin
i need out
out...out...
how do i get out?
the ring i forged
bounded restraint
reach out
talk it out
i can't quite find the words
breaking down
sliced soul
i can't quite find the tears
running
burning
sharp, twisted hope
quench
stop the pain
i can't drown my hope
turning upon myself
i want to run
i can't give into fears
forcing myself into rhythms
trying to loosen self-restraint
nothing
mind slipping
where is respite?
turn...turn...
twist change where
patience lost
symptoms changed
stability
immerse within though without
music and madness
as i tear my soul apart
why did i touch the flame?
why did i reach for more than dreams?
illusions of future
painted through lust
consuming reason, transforming season
what have i done?
the trust you placed in me
lust blinds over windows of insight
too close...too close...
get away, i stay
closed doors
ending, change
begin to
open wounds
boundaries fall, reforged
within every conception
sharp
it burns
slicing deep
slamming my readiness to open
the door to feeling
how to transform relationship
i'm looking forward to
no way out
no way through
no way to join with someone
merge souls become one
express
how i feel...why i feel...what do i feel...
now i've come to question
do i feel?
pain...pain...pain...
within how can i be?
i can't quite find the words
i write them
i'm breaking down
i can't quite find the tears
yet i cry them
i can't quite drown my hope
it seems so far away
i twist into the mist
i found in your eyes
i want to run
but slipped between moments thus
i can't give into fears
i have nothing left to lose
nothing ever seems right...

================


running through fields of glass
my heart cut open and bleeding
when i reach the other side
for your hand
i know you're there
eyes open wide
yet all alone i stand
you disappear
you loved me?
HA!
alone here to die
i've hated with a passion
and loved with one
held on to love everlasting
finding that nothing is true
i've cried out in my sleep
the statue screams
her soul is not hers
is it only in my dreams?

================


to know one's true self is an endless path in which we wear out our souls time and time again...to understand why it is that i adorn myself as i do is a journey within the mind's eye which only a few can excrete such an effort...|||..."When she speaks, jeweled stones rain from her mouth..." [Shivalilamrit] ...|||...now knowing the path that has escaped me for so long leaves me in a treacherous dichotomy of sorts...one side holds the ability to see beyond the caste in which i have placed myself, and the other leaves me with eyes wide shut locking away any hope of being able to find the catalyst in which i need to pursue my journey...|||...faith in itself lacks the notion of an absolute ideation of true inner sanctity...all one can hope to achieve is a peace of mind and acceptance that what is seen is to be real...in no way does faith perceive that complete absolution of evil, rather is focuses on malintent and not a rationale as to why it appears within the mind's eye...there is no philosophy out there in the world that can elaborate on the true nature of evil--only hypotheses based on conjecture for no one is capable of venturing within...as well as based on the mores of another...|||...and this notion is found in all varied dogmatic phlegm of the "accepted" religions of the world...all of which i have shunned at one point or another for none can open my mind to what i have conceived to be my reality...a scathed perception of absolution from childhood has only led me to the discovery that evil is subjective--and no one has the right to define a doctrine of puritanical lethargy and make me swallow it whole...

================


limits one encompasses within the splendor of this mundane existance seem to only perpetuate pain as of late...a great deal of anger as well, as i reflect back on the violence he inflicted...no more do i wonder why, but more along the line of why is it that he chose me...what is it about me that drove him to his madness? why is it that he felt the need to try to squelch my soul? why is it that once i said i could not that he waited, planned, plotted, and then executed a release of evil meant for only me? why is it that he could not find a more constructive way to deal with his emotions? why is it that now i look in the eyes of everyone i see and wonder if they possess such power? as i said on 14 october, "there is no philosophy out there in the world that can elaborate on the true nature of evil--only hypotheses based on conjecture for no one is capable of venturing within...as well as based on the mores of another..." and maybe i will never find my answers...just as i will never be able to describe the emotions caught in this tempest in my head...hard to describe it, but when you have had some neanderthal prick fuck up your psyche, then life becomes all eyes wide shut...and a malaised dawning of awakening suddenly lapses in time... one step forward, two steps back...i hate that son of a bitch.

===============


one can grow yet remain static in mind
cheating death as part of living makes one more coherent
yet with eyes wide shut i still see
more than most, further than most
i am alive
even in a little death, i transcend
looking up at the heavens i see hell
looking into the depths of hell i see eternity
no chance for purgatory
i am alive
...am i breathing?
he brushes my hair aside and laughs adoringly
at this child
a lost child, a lost angel
emerald and amber from within
rubies melt and adorn her
awakening, startling
shyly she recoils into the abyss
a sentient journey
scathed, yet...
fully grown

================


a man with soul so dead
within he never burned
for no minstrel can capture
his undying shame
proud he is
his wealth and titles abound
though with titles and power
a helpless wretch, egocentric
concentrating on himself
he lives, yet forsaking
and will one day go down
becoming dust
unkept, unhonored, and unsung


================