PATRICK HERRON
GOODBYE PATTY, FAREWELL
Willy, an employee of McDonald's
Jimmy, an employee of Wendy's
Leia, an employee of Burger King
Vladimir, an employee of Taco Bell
It is NIGHT. Willy, Jimmy, Leia, and Vladimir all stand huddled in an empty
paved urban parking lot. They are all wearing their respective employer's
uniforms. They warm their hands from a couch fire burning before them.
Willy: [to Jimmy] I will lend to it you for awhile. For you to love it
while it lives and mourn for him when it's dead. Maybe for twelve or
fourteen years, or maybe two or three. But will you,' till I call it back,
take care of it for me?
Jimmy: [announcing, as if either preaching or hard of hearing] ITS SANTA HAT
AND STOCKING ARE STOWED WITH CARE. MORE SO RIGHT NOW IT'S HIT ME. IT'S NO
LONGER THERE.
Leia: [to Willy] They will give it anything and everything you want. That
is a lot more than I can do. I hope it remembers me because I will always
remember it.
Jimmy: [again shouting] WHERE I EXPECT IT AND THINK IT WILL BE.... [He
sits.] GOD, HOW THIS CHRISTMAS IS SO SAD AND HEARTBREAKING FOR ME.
Vladimir: [to Leia, nudging her] He'll bring his charms to gladden it and
it'll always have his memories as solace for its grief. I cannot promise he
will stay, since all from Earth return. But there are lessons taught below
I want it to learn.
Willy: [to Leia, shaking] I've looked the whole world over, in search of
teachers fit, And from the folk that crowd's life's land, I have chosen it.
Now will you give it all your love, Nor think the labor vain, Nor hate me
when I come to take it back again.
Jimmy: [still shouting] IT WAS MY GIFT ELEVEN CHRISTMAS DAYS SHOULD BE, BUT
THREE WEEKS TO THIS DAY IT SUDDENLY LEFT ME.
Leia: [to Willy] Once in a lifetime a true friend comes along. Thank you my
beloved for being that friend. I will love you forever.
Jimmy: [scream, go ahead] AND SO THE PRESENTS I MIGHT HAVE WANTED ARE NO
WHERE TO BE, FOR THE ONLY THING TRULY WANTED WOULD BE IT STILL BESIDE ME.
Willy: [crying] I fancied that I heard them say "Thy Will be Done," For all
the joys it will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter it with
tenderness we'll love it while we may And for the happiness we've known
forever grateful stay But should it call it back much sooner than we've
planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.
If, by our love, we've managed, your wishes to achieve In memory of it we
loved, to help us while we grieve, When our faithful bundle departs this
world of strife, We'll have yet another and love it all its life.
Vladimir: [whispering to Leia] When it's gone nothing will be the same. My
heart will be two. Part with it and part with me.
Jimmy: [we know, yell] GIVE ME IT AS A GIFT WHAT SEEMED NOT LONG AGO, AND
BROUGHT BACK TO IT MY GIFT THAT I SO MISS SO.
Willy: [still crying] When it leaves I'll try not to cry. It was a loving,
loyal friend. I'm sure the angels will open to it with open arms. They will
make it free of suffering.
Leia: [looking upward] It was so pretty and so full of joy. We miss it and
its love for life. We miss it so terribly. If we could turn the clock back,
it would be here by our sides. We will always love & miss it. Sleep tight.
May it rest in heaven.
Jimmy: [now singing] REST EASY AND PLAY FREE, FOR SOON I'LL BE WITH IT AND
SEE; THAT ALL IS WELL AS WE MEET IN THE RAINBOWS AND STAY SIDE BY SIDE INTO
ETERNITY FOR THAT WOULD TRULY BE HEAVEN TO ME.
...leading into orchestra playing heart-wrenching outerstellar country death
blues melody...
Chorus: [20 laptops with different synthesized voices singing each number
aloud, "two hundred point zero zero," etc.]
Bacon Cheeseburger, 200.00, 13.00, 115.00, 25.00, 400.0, 12.00, 10.00, 3.00,
0.00.
Chocolate Shake, 220.00, 7.00, 60.00, 25.00, 140.0, 32.00, 8.00, 27.00.
Chicken Rings, 310.00, 21.00, 190.00, 70.00, 620.0, 14.00, 16.00, 0.00,
0.00.
Breakfast Sandwich, 340.00, 25.00, 220.00, 130.00, 900.0, 17.00, 14.00,
0.00, 2.00.
Onion Chips, 180.00, 9.00, 80.00, 0.00, 580.0, 25.00, 3.00, 3.00.
Jimmy: [intoning] FATTY PATTY
MAKE ME HAPPY.
CLEAN THE APE
OFF YOUR PLATE.
================